I had the most amazing time with MH this weekend! We spent Saturday night together eating room service and talking and, well, doing other stuff too, but it was ALL amazing. I am exhausted today, but still so psyched I can't sleep. I love her SO much.

We talked about boys and about how ambivalent I am about them, and how attracted to girls I am. It's not that I think boys are bad, there are some I think are downright adorable, but I just don't feel like I have anything in common with them most of the time. But with MH I always feel connected. I like the softness and the understanding and the...I don't know....femininity of girls. I think there are definitely places for each in my life and I am so glad MH agrees. She is amazing. Okay, I think I've maxed out on number of times I can write "amazing" in one post.

Still...it was...unbelieveable. ;-)

If I get to see MH at all, it usually on the weekends. I think I'll get to see her this weekend, which makes me happy. She wants to pick out clothes and stuff for our trip next weekend. I love dressing up.

I just wish I wasn't so damned scared to go out. I always wonder what people will think when they look at me. That I'm not pretty enough, that I'm fat, that I look like I don't belong. That no matter how nice my outfit or how good my makeup, I'll never, EVER, look the way I feel inside.

She makes me feel beautiful and sexy..she makes me feel like I want to look...but I know that's not what I am. I wish I could get past that and say, "Fuck them!" And just be happy being her pretty girl and going out and having a good time. I wish I could find the courage.

I wish.

But at least we get to play this weekend, and that's a good thing.

I barely remember my Mom. I was probably too young to even understand she was sick. I just remember she looked sad a lot. But she always smiled at me when I caught her eye, no matter how bad she must have felt. And so now most all I remember is a somewhat sad, but heartfelt, smile.

There's lots of stuff I know about her. Dad still talks about her all the time. He says he knows we didn't get a chance to know her before she died and he wants to make sure we know and remember what an amazing person she was. So yes, I know all kinds of things about her. That she loved bad pizza, that she couldn't help but sing anytime she knew the words to a song that was playing, that she never put the cap back on the toothpaste.

But I don't "remember" any of those things.

I remember feeling bad whenever my friends talked about their moms. I remember hearing Dad cry in the bedroom...a lot. I remember her absence more than her presence.

Weird.

Still every year on this day. I remember her.

Miss you, Mom.

I need to not feel sorry for myself because I don't get to go out and hang with a bunch of people. I need to be thankful for the people I CAN hang out with, and I need to appreciate the fact that they make me feel worthwhile and pretty and smart and sexy, etc. I need to have confidence that I really AM all those things.

But it's hard.

But I can do it.

It is hard being yourself when when you no almost noone will understand who you really are. But that's the most important time to do it.

I'm brand new to LiveJournal. I heard some people talking about it and thought I'd give it a try. I've never really kept a journal, but thought it would be nice to have someplace I could get my thoughts out on paper. I don't really know anyone else on here, though, so when it got to the part where you put your friends, I didn't have any. All of a sudden I felt really alone.

I have friends. I have my best friend, Bit, who is the greatest. But I don't really get to hang out with her or anyone else a whole bunch. I have my honey who I love with all my heart, but I only get to see her once a week at most. I just don't get out much. And suddenly I feel lonely. I live with my Dad and sister who I love, and I have friends, but I spend a lot of time alone on my computer. Especially during summer.

During school it's different because I get to see everyone at school and at games and things, but still, when it counts I feel lonely. I have a lot of acquaintances, but not too many friends.

So, no, LiveJournal, I don't have any friends. Thanks for asking.